Now hiring - all BOH positions, please don't be creepy or a convict

Line cooks - everyone has them, nobody likes them. The BOH (back of the house) staff are people like Quasimodo (without the kind-hearted part)- important to how things run, but not to be seen.

Fortunately for me, our line cooks and most of our dish washers are exceptionally irritating and most are on work release from halfway houses - obviously they are my best friends... not really.

There are the exceptions of course - the two line cooks from the Culinary Institute (who, in order to grab my attention, constantly sneak me food) I call friends (to their faces) and they are pretty okay guys. And one of the guys from the halfway house, Vinny, was really only involved in international drug dealing for awhile, so he's all right too.

The rest, I can take them or leave them, preferably leave.

Two of the cooks, Stefan and K are pretty much the bane of my existence. Every time I walk into the kitchen it's in fear that one of them will come up to me and ask me for a hug or comment on the beautiful color of my skin (Stefan frequently is the culprit for this).

I don't care how pretty you think I am, nor do I care that my "hugs make [your] day." In truth the thought of touching you makes me throw up in my mouth a little and no you can't have my number, you don't even have a phone.



I can't even stand in the kitchen and socialize with the other servers while I'm on the clock without the fear of you looking at me.

Not only do I want to wear mechanic overalls and a parka when they're around, but when I am waiting for a re-fire on a happy hour burger and they are standing there talking about what they are going to do when they "get out," I become incensed. I just want to remind them, that in all probability, within six months of their "release" they are probably going to be back in jail, don't get too excited.

I'm not asking much, just do you job quickly and efficiently and don't look at me, talk to me, talk about me or come within ten feet of me.

Condiment Police

As per usual, yet another annoying attribute has caught my attention... people order too many condiments.

I am a great lover of condiments myself. In fact I've never met one that I haven't loved, BUT everything in moderation.

Some customers need more than one ramekin of ketchup, which I can understand because my mother is one of those people who eats ketchup basically plain, but anything beyond two ramekins of ketchup is just excessive.

Not to mention that when it's 5:30 p.m. on a Friday and I'm running my ass off, you make me go the whole way back to the kitchen for a container of ketchup. I get irritated and usually think something nasty about you... so there.

Besides, if normal people knew the amount of sugar combined with those pureed tomatoes, they would probably think twice about eating it. It's not really considered a vegetable if the sugar to tomato ratio is 1:1 - for every one tablespoon of ketchup, there is one tablespoon of sugar. I can't make this stuff up people.

I can even sympathize with those who like ketchup and mustard. I consider myself a mustard connoisseur of sorts - it's my favorite condiment and I like it excessively and in many variations IN MY OWN HOME.

The non-traditional condiments like; ranch, blue cheese dressing, A1 steak sauce, hot sauce etc. are irritating to me as well, but I can understand how certain sauces really make a meal for a person. I love food and I am all about helping people reach their full enjoyment when they eat. But there is only so many BBQ sauces one person needs.

Once you dump all that sauce on - it loses the essence of the food. From now on I'm monitoring all my customers condiment intake and making suggestions.

I get the most incensed about mayo. I used to like mayo. Now I despise it. Not only does the smell not come out when I inevitably spill two gallons on myself, but people feel like their lives are not complete without it. There is no reason for one person to need two ramekins of mayo. People - it is mixed egg whites and oil...there is nothing special about that. Stop torturing your poor server to bring you multiple servings of something that adds no value to your food and clogs your arteries the minute it touches your body.



With that said - just remember, the next time you order extra condiments from me, I'm going to judge you and think horrid things about you - especially if it's mayo.