Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Women leave bad tips - it might be a genetic problem.

The worst tippers are women, specifically old women and those coming up on middle-age. If they work at Saks it's even worse. Typically, women are the nicer sex (apparently), but when it comes to compensation for the 15 midlife crisis cosmos that I've dropped at your table - 20 percent doesn't seem like a possibility.



Things that I've done to get a tip (from women, the list is entirely different for men...obviously):

1. found single guys and coerced them into joining the midlife crisis women
2. had the bartender create diet/sugar free/low sodium drinks after much begging and pleading
3. got them extra mayonnaise (this is a popular one)
4. got them extra napkins
5. got them free stuff after they consumed it and told me that it was too burnt/too salty/too sweet/too fatty/too alcoholic
6. prevented personal items from getting stolen
7. picked up scarves, sweaters, gloves, hats, lipstick, shoes and tampons from the floor

and finally...

8. convinced them that the cheeseburger they're eating really isn't that bad for them, so much protein. I eat them all of the time and I'm 125 lbs.... right... just keep drinking, it makes it seem better.

After bending over backwards, I get a measly $10 on a $100 bill (I'm a journalism major, but I'm still pretty sure that's 10 percent). Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it, but then every once in a while you get that big tip from a group of ladies celebrating their friend's 50th birthday and you get a little more faith that all women aren't giant bitches.

Besides, I'd rather wait on the mid-life crises, than the 20-30 year-olds. It's like they are out to get you. There is a bitterness requirement for most of them. I'm not sure if it's because I act so happy, or if it's because I get to flirt with every man in the place honestly that they harbor such resentment.

Waiting on tables with those twittering former sorority girls forms visions of spilled mojitos and requests for a house salad with fat-free dressing.

Check please!

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